Shepherding a Child’s Heart (4)

Chapter four is entitled “You’re in Charge.” The core issue in this chapter is encapsulated by the following statement from Tripp:

As a father or mother, you do not exercise rule over your jurisdiction, but over God’s...You discharge a duty that He has given. You may not try to shape the lives of your children as pleases you, but as pleases Him.

Two things are important about this statement. First, parental authority is derived authority from God. The calling to be in charge is a great calling from God. As with all of God’s commands, to do it properly is beyond our ability, knowledge and desire. Once again, we need a Savior. Second, parental authority is not to be exercised for our convenience or because of the pressure of others. The concept of shepherding children is foreign to our modern culture. We hate authority. As a result, parents are tentative about exercising their God-given authority over their children. “If you are unsure about the nature and extent of your authority,” says Tripp, “your children will suffer greatly. They will never know what to expect from you because the ground rules will be constantly changing.” Additionally, the child will have no understanding of the absolutes and principles of God’s Word. Parental authority, therefore, is both a gift and a duty.

God has an objective in parental authority. Namely, the divine goal is the succession of one generation after another leading obedient lives in reverential fear of the Lord. In this way, the parent and the child are in the same boat. Both are under the authority of God. A parent’s right to discipline a child is solely tied to what God has called the parent to do, not their own agenda.

A parent does not demand obedience for his own purposes. The parent “comes with the corrections of discipline that are the way to life.” On page 31, Tripp gives a sample dialogue of how to explain appropriate discipline to a child. Tripp advocates emphasizing to the child that you are not spanking him because you are mean, but because God has called you to a task you cannot shirk. You are requiring obedience because God says you must. Here is the sample dialogue.

FATHER: You didn’t obey Daddy, did you?
CHILD: No.
FATHER: Do you remember what God says Daddy must do if you disobey?
CHILD: Spank me?
FATHER: That’s right. I must spank you. If I don’t, then I would be disobeying God. You and I would both be wrong. That would not be good for you or for me, would it?
CHILD: No. [a reluctant reply]

This gives parents a confidence to act in that they have freedom to discipline. It is a duty to perform from God and is not dependent on the approval of the child. We must engage our children because to do so is obedient to the duty God has given us. This is in direct opposition to the cultural norm of parenting, which reduces the role of mom and dad to merely providing care. American culture discharges the parental duty by providing food, clothes, a bed, some “quality time,” and a PS3. In contrast to this deflated and weak view, God has called parents to a more profound task.

To fulfill the task requires clear objectives and humility. I was convicted especially on this point. Have you thought about goals and strategies to strengthen a child’s weaknesses and encourage their strengths? I must confess, I have not. Further, the realization that we are God’s ambassadors to our children is a humbling thing.

We are called to show the child his sin nature and his need for a Savior. It is an awesome task. It requires me to be humble enough to tell my kids that I am sorry when I have failed and disciplined them out of unholy anger. There is no place for unholy anger. It confuses the derivative nature of parental authority.

You only muddy the waters when the bottom line in discipline is your displeasure over their behavior, rather than God’s displeasure with rebellion against His ordained authority.

Children learn the fear of man, not the fear of God, when unholy anger is used as a manipulative ploy to secure obedience. Such false techniques are unbiblical.

If correction orbits around the parent who has been offended, then the focus will be venting anger, or perhaps, taking vengeance. The function is punitive. If, however, correction orbits around God as the one offended, then the focus is restoration. The function is remedial. It is designed to move a child who has disobeyed God back to the path of obedience. It is corrective.

Alright, true confessions time. To date, this has been the most convicting chapter I have read...it is only the fourth. Too often, I chastise or discipline my children out of a motive of convenience, or irritiation, rather than with a goal or purpose in mind to strengthen weaknesses or encourage strengths. It is not as though my kids do not need to be corrected. It is the motive in which I attend to their much needed correction. Right actions with wrong motives are still sin before God. God give us temperate demeanors, patient hearts, and grace for pure motives in discharging this sacred trust of parenting...