Shepherding a Child’s Heart (2)

Chapters two and three entitled, “Your Child’s Development: Shaping Influences” and “Your Child’s Development: Godward Orientation,” respectively, are a general background of what a parent has to work with. The core issue in both of these chapters is that although parents should work to facilitate biblical shaping influences in the lives of their children, it is ultimately their Godward orientation that determines how they respond to those shaping influences.

What is a shaping influence? Tripp defines shaping influences as those events and circumstances in a child’s developmental years that prove to be catalysts for making him the person he is. However, the shaping is not automatic. A child’s response to these events and circumstances determine the effect they have on him. There is biblical warrant for the idea that childhood experiences have profound implications for our lives. All of the major passages dealing with the family presuppose these lifelong implications of the early childhood experience. Deuteronomy 6, Ephesians 6, and Colossians 3. It is important to realize that a child is not merely acted upon by circumstances, but he reacts to them. The child responds to what Tripp calls the “Godward orientation of his heart.” Tripp identifies at least six shaping influences.

Structure of Family Life

Tripp asks several questions concerning the nature of a family’s structure. Is the family a traditional nuclear family? How many parents is the child exposed to? How are the parenting roles structured?

Family Values

The questions asked under this section include: What is important to the parents? What is worth a fuss and what passes without notice? What gets your kids into more trouble, a broken vase or disobedience to a clear parental directive? Are the values of the home based upon human tradition and the basic principles of this world or Christ? What about boundaries and where the secrets are kept and where are they told? Are there secrets from Dad between Mom and the kids? Are there secrets from Mom between Dad and the kids? “ Every family has established family boundaries. They may not be spoken or thought through, but they exists.”

Family Roles

What are the different roles that each family member plays within the family? “Some fathers are involved in every aspect of family life. Others are busy and distanced from family activities. Subtle things like who pays the bills or who makes family appointments say much about family roles.”

Family Conflict Resolution

Our children are influenced by how we resolve conflict in the family. Are they resolved or do members simply walk away? Are problems solved biblically or by power? Pastor Tripp looks to Proverbs and makes the point that a child is trained to be a fool or a prudent, wise man by the shaping influences of his home.

Family Responses to Failure

Another influence is how the family deals with a child’s failures. Are they made to feel foolish or mocked for these failures? Or do the parents see these failed attempts as an opportunity to find praise for the child?

Whether the child has known credible commendation or carping criticism or the mix of those things will be a powerful shaping influence in his life.

Family History

Finally, the family history is also a shaping influence. Marriage and divorce; money or no money; sickness or health; births and deaths; each have their own shaping power in a child’s life.

Of course, Tripp recognizes that this is not an exhaustive list. Nevertheless, it does show the types of circumstances that impact and shape our lives. However, as parents we must be aware of believing that our control of shaping influences determines how the child will behave as an adult. Pastor Tripp has the following to say about that mistaken view of shaping influences.

You make a grave mistake if you conclude that childrearing is nothing more than prividing the best possible shaping influences for your children. Many Christian parents adopt this “Christian determinism.” They figure that if they can protect and shelter him well enough, if they can always be positive with him, if they can send him to Christian schools or if they can home school, if they can provide the best possible childhood experience, then their child will turn out okay.

These parents are sure that a proper environment will produce a proper child. They respond almost as if the child were inert. Such a posture is simply determinism dressed in Christian clothes...Determinism makes parents conclude that good shaping influences will automatically produce good children. This often bears bitter fruit later in life. Parents who have an unruly and troublesome teenager or young adult conclude that the problem is the shaping influences they provided...They forget that the child is never determined solely by the shaping influences of life. Remember that Proverbs 4:23 instructs you that the heart is the fountain from which life flows. Your child’s heart determines how he responds to your parenting...The child is not inert during childhood. Your children interact with life. This leads us to our next chapter...